The VMA’s

….at least from about quarter ’til 9. (And I got the idea from this guy.)

50 Cent and LL Cool J present for Best Female Video. LL looks like a bad urban fashion joke, and obviously hasn’t seen a trend from the last 6 months that he didn’t like….I mean c’mon LL:

  • an allover-print hoodie
  • with not only an obnoxious color scheme, but a metallic obnoxious color scheme
  • and a bandana tied around your neck?

Grown-ass man, dawwwg, grown-ass man. No really, you’re a grown-ass man. And after, what, like 20 million records sold, 50 still has zero charisma, nor what one might call a way with words. Nice way to shout out Buck Marley to get in a little promo for Buck The World at MTV’s expense, though.
I got a glimpse of Puff. He looks sharp — what else would you expect? I hope I didn’t miss him doing whatever MTV has him doing tonight.

So Ludacris and Pharrell are performing ‘Money Maker,’ which is cool, but everytime I hear it, I think more and more that Sickamore was right about what he said the other day — that Luda ususally comes (and should’ve come) much more creative than that with his first single.

Anyhow, now the Pussycat Dolls just popped up in the background. What the fuck are they doing here? Not that they’re not nice to look at, but is this some kind of remix I haven’t heard yet or something? Wow, they’re pretty useless here, as far as I can tell, they’re just singing the chorus. I thought Skateboard P was doing alright lip-synching it by himself. But damn those other 5 chicks have a nice gig. Except looking good, they’re really useless up there, and the same can be said on their own songs. They’ve got a good thing going though — getting that artist money while, for all intents and purposes, serving primarily as backup dancers. Not mad at ’em all.

Still haven’t figured out what Pharrell has on his feet. Probably some Ice Creams, or some Bapes. Both of which are crap.

Madonna’s ‘Hung Up’ shit bumps, and should definitely win best dance video. Regardless of how good they look, that Pussycat Dolls ‘Buttons’ song sucks.

DJ Drama is sitting next to Christina Aguilera, and it looks like the chairs are really close together. The iPod King is wearing a really big varsity jacket. It looks like he’s invading Christina’s personal space a little bit.

Yeahhhhhh, Polow Da Don got a shout out from the Pussycat Dolls. ‘Buttons’ still sucks though. The redheaded one says the director “really captured what we’re all about.” Huh? Did he really? He captured what you’re all about? Then why I am I referring to you as the redheaded one?

There’s no black chicks in the Pussycat Dolls? I thought there was at least one.

Jack Black tells the audience to let out a “warm, hormonal shriek” for Chris Brown. Pretty funny. And appropriate. But, um, yeah, Chris, that whole unbuttoned bow tie thing is pretty silly looking.

The OK Go routine is kind of amusing, with the treadmills and whatnot. The song is pretty standard issue indiepowerrockpop. Seeing them take a bow though, the first thing that comes to mind is that they’re dipshit hipsters.

A little creative editing with that backstage teaser. Purported stage manager says “Give me Nicole Richie” in voice-over. Cut to her looking bitchily to somebody stage left. Cut to footage of Paris talking into a microphone……..except it’s the exact same footage we saw before the last commercial break. Fucking loser-ass MTV.

Nick Lachey presents for something. I read the other day he got 6 large — like 6 really really large — from Jessica for the divorce. Dammmmmnnnnn.

Commercial for the CSI: Las Vegas season premiere.
Lame guest star (John Mayer), awesome tagline (Sin Never Sleeps).

Shaun White is the man.

Why is Jackass always, no matter what, so funny?

Rihanna gets no love on the viewer’s choice award. She’s pulling in 6% of the vote. Jack Black makes a decent Paris Hilton joke…introduces her as the world’s most attractive producer of independent film. She, however, looks like she dipped her eyelashes in some sludge oil.

I fucks with the All-American Rejects (I think, although I might be confusing with them some other band I listened to for like a month in early 2004), but why do they (and all those other power pop bands) sing like that? With that elongated vowel, Valley Girl tone that Billie Joe Armstrong perfected? And wasn’t the lead singer playing guitar a minute ago? Now he’s being a rock star with the mic stand at the lip of the stage. Their logo is obviously a rip-off of KISS’ and Weezer’s, and probably some other ones.

Best Pop Video. Whoo, Nicole Richie got some meat on her bones, she must be up to 100 now. Slim Thug is in the background. Awesome. Damn, please show Madonna some love. That song knocked. I’ve never seen that Pink ‘Stupid Girls’ video. On a side note, damn, Preemo did a number on that “Ain’t No Other Man” for Christina Ageylarry. Pink looks a little confused/pissed off that she won. It’s pretty funny though that Nicole Richie presents her with the award for a video called “Stupid Girls.”

They show some backstage footage going to commercial. T.I. was going the wrong way. Why is John Norris’ hair that color? And why didn’t Diddy speak to him during the pre-show? What’s with the 15 seconds of The Raconteurs after every commercial break? It’s kind of demeaning.

Kanye needs to tell that chick next to him to put away her damn Blackberry. You’re at the damn VMA’s. You’ll call them back when it’s over.

Jay is sitting next to Nas and Kelis. I’m sure Beyonce’ll come over when she’s done performing. That’s a nice double date. You think when they go to the afterparty, Kelis and B will go to the bathroom together and talk about Jay and Nas?

Snoop introduces this award while holding a cup. There’s definitely some alcohol in it. The graphics to introduce the nominees are awesome, they’re all set up to look like a real magazine, with similar layout and typeface. Yung Joc gets The Source, 50 gets GQ, Bussa Bus gets Rolling Stone, Chamillionaire gets Entertainment Weekly, and I can’t tell what they put TI in. Speaking of Crapmillionaire, what the fuck was Sickamore talking about the other day putting that clown anywhere near the Top 5 list?

He wins the award. “I can’t believe it…” Yeah, neither can I. And yo, if you got a collared shirt on, leave the chain at home. That is wack that 20/20 cancelled his interview though.

Beyonce’s entrance is bananas. “Ring The Alarm.” Crazy sirens going off, she comes down off a cable. Rock out guitar solo from some chick who is probably a product of her all-female band search. Fuck all the drama concerning the video, this song rocks, and she can seriously blow. No lip synching here. She’s a firce performer. The distorion on the chorus is awesome. Damn Jay, that’s all you tonight!!!!! And whatever the fuck this little dance break is, it’s cool. We got all kinds of weird robot Trandformers sounds effects, there’s car getting jacked up, guns shooting, and damn, look at her.

DJ Drama represents, and strains to look into the camera ’cause it’s 4 feet below him and to the right. T.I. and Dro come in to ‘Shoulder Lean.’ It knocks, Dro gets his first verse (or a least a piece of it) in. I’m not sure why they tracked it, but he’s definitely fucking it up. He’s about a half second behind it. Typical rap performance, even with only 2 dudes on stage. They’re talking all over each other, and the track. And T.I. has somehow managed to both slur and yell all of his words.

Oh god, there’s 100 kids in the background with Dro’s promo shirts on (with the gold-teeth smiley face), leaning and rocking and snapping and shoulder leaning, singing the chorus on “What You Know.” Doesn’t he talk about work, and trees, and the loaded fo-fo on that chorus? Awesome, nonetheless. Great closing pose though, hand up with index finger, ‘KING’ in gigantic letters behind him.

I had no idea Jared Leto was such a fruit, even with the band and all. But he made a kind of funny ‘bringing the sexy back’ joke. It obviously made the girl from Evanescence uncomfortable though. Whoever just won this award immediately broke the flag off of the moonman. That’s the second time tonight. Get your weight up, MTV. The lead singer says he’s gonna “get really trashed” tonight. Nice. He obviously does it for the kids.

I would feel a little dicked if i was The Raconteurs, being relegated/demoted to the outro/intro house band the for commerical breaks. Ringtone of the year is really a category? Fort Minor wins. I do kinda like that song though. And he’s got an interesting hoodie on.

The untied bow tie works for Jay, whereas Chris Brown couldn’t pull it off earlier. But everything Jay does works, so that’s not saying much.

Am I wrong for changing the channel during Panic! At The Disco’s performance? Bobby Flay is throwing down with burgers on the Food Network. Is Little Miss Sunshine really that good of a movie? It’s getting crazy burn everywhere lately. They got the little girl from it introducing shit on the VMA’s? Having her come out to ‘Super Freak’ is entirely inappropriate, and a little bit creepy.

Jack White couldn’t have gone along with the (corny) joke Jack Black just made about their names? Jack White’s a dick.

Beyonce f. Slim Thug win for Best R&B video. Slim Thug gets real flustered when he goes to pick up Beyonce on their way to the stage. “Do I kiss her on the cheek, or dap Jay off first? Or should I hug her, and then shake Jay’s hand? Or am I even allowed to touch her?”

Man, Kanye’s pants are tight. Nice Hype retrospective though. I know he’s doing it ’cause Hype directed the video, but is doing a song from ’97 gonna sell him any more copies of ‘The Big Bang’? I know it’s a hype tribute and all, but….

How hot is that, though?! Missy comes out looking just like she did in the ‘Can’t Stand The Rain’ video, big tire suit, weird sparkly helmet/sunglasses combination thing, finger waves and all. Live!!!!! And damn but if Hype don’t look sharp. That’s how you get dressed up to go an awards show, an MTV one or not.

Wow, that’s so crazy!!! LOL BRB LMAO IMO!!! 40 million voters later, and the percentages for the audience favorite award are exactly the same as they were when they had this same lead-in about an hour ago. Rihanna’s holding steady at 6%. MTV wouldn’t just make up all of that shit and put some bullshit percentages up there, would they?

Lou Reed is awesome. Why does Pink always seem so bothered? Lou Reed says MTV needs more rock bands. “2 guitars, bass, drum!” AFI goes entirely overboard with the eye makeup, but their song kinda rocks. Nice to see those boys do well, I heard they’ve been at it for like 10 or 15 years. They thanked Jimmy Iovine. He really does run the world. Whichever guy that is from ZZ Top is pretty awesome, still rocking with the whole beard thing. And he’s got a piece on his chain that would rival most rappers’.

The Black Eyed Peas are cornballs.

These Jackass dudes keep hitting each other in the nuts. Fall Out Boy almost doesn’t thank their fans for the Audience Favorite award. Why is Queen Latifah closing the show? Even for a good cause? Oh, the show’s not over. But still, why Queen Latifah?

Al Gore is mad top heavy. He looks sharp in the black on black though. He says something like “I didn’t plan on being here, but they told me that that Timberlake guy was bringing sexy back……and here I am…” Great comedic timing. Where was that in 2000? He also says something about Christina “Agweelera.” He delivers a nice stump speech, damn shame he didn’t pull that kind of thing off consistently when it mattered.

J. Lo has a sparkly, heavy knit nylon doo rag on. But I’ll be damned if she ain’t still got that ass. She’s presenting Video of The Year. Once again, I must note, DJ Premier really came through for Ms. Aguilera. Come on, show Madonna some love! Panic! At The Disco wins. That shit is wack to me.

Oh shittttt!!! This dude just jumped up from the crowd and jacked the microphone and got his promo on. He’s says his name is Six, and MTV never gave him a show. He says go to Oh shitttt, he planned that out perfectly! To a fucking T. Yo, he’s been planning and waiting for that shit all night. Oh my god, that was awesome. It’s a shade to Panic! At The Disco, but whatever. Definitely going to check out his website in a minute.

Yo, Axl Rose sucks. Why the fuck is he A) on the VMA’s, B) damn near closing the VMA’s, and C) still relevant? The Killers. Starting out on some soft piano shit. Actually, I’m gonna check out that dude’s website right now. Alright, now they’re on that Detroit Rock City shit. I’ll pay attention. Plus this guy Six’s site won’t come up, it probably crashed by now. Bookmarking that bitch though. That was great.


3 responses to “The VMA’s

  1. Same:

    I will read anything that
    a) you write
    b) uses the phrase “grown-ass man” (especially in reference to LL’s most recent style mishaps)

    i miss you, and i look dern cute in the sneakers you sent me…adorable


  2. Sammy:

    Nice Post on the VMAs. But FYI closing an award show is not HOT, since all of the big names have gone home. Great post though.

  3. I see Axl Rose and his new band got booed off stage at Dublin – those pesky music-lovers get all over the place LOL!

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